This book really expanded my thinking about the biblical concept of hospitality and how to incorporate it into my leadership. I especially appreciate the fact that the author references – on almost every page – biblical proofs and reasoning for his arguments and explanations. I found myself often opening my Bible and digging deeper into the topic at hand, and learning much in the process.
Here are a few highlights of the book from my personal notes:
Hospitable leaders are obsessed by helping others find their place.
The author really drives this point home in several ways, using examples from the life of Jesus and how He led hospitably. Jesus was always welcoming people, always coaching, always guiding, always helping people find their place in God’s plan. This is so important in the life of a believer. I’m passionate about people finding their Divine Ideal, and I’ve written and spoken about it extensively.
We cannot be anything we want to be. We can be anything we were made to be.
Like most kids I grew up hearing that I can be whatever I want to be. But that’s a dangerous misnomer. I’m going to try to stop saying this to me kids, and instead guide them to discover their spiritual gifts and talents and how God wants to use them.
We are wired to work with others and enjoy working with others
Jesus used questions because He wanted His followers to engage, to think, to feel, to participate. You get the sense that He is all about what we are doing together. Working with others on an important vision – co-creation – is important from the start.
Happiness is experienced in the anticipation.
Happiness is the pleasure we feel living our lives in light of ultimate meaning. Happiness is an eternal mindset based on our hope for the future as promised by God (Romans 5:1-2).
In conclusion, if these topics seems of any interest to you, I can highly recommend getting a copy of The Hospitable Leader.
Culture shock is the experience of overwhelming cultural unfamiliarity leading to disorientation, disillusionment, and often abandonment. Sounds pretty heady, right? It is. Culture shock is very real, and knowing how to handle culture shock is one of the most important skills a missionary can possess.
Culture shock has been widely studied and most missiologists agree that it is comprised of four phases: honeymoon, frustration, adjustment, and acceptance. I’ll not deal with each phase here, but rather focus on how a missionary can handle culture shock when it really hits – in the frustration phase.
Upon arriving in a new country for a long-term assignment, at first the missionary will experience the excitement of new sights, sounds, smells, and most exhilarating of all – new people! While this is all very positive and eye-opening, the missionary must make some choices during this phase before the very real frustration phase sets in. When it does set in (and it will!), you can be more equipped to navigate it using these choices.
Choose to Maintain Identity
One of the things that I often see missionaries do to handle culture shock is to over-compensate by completely letting go of their own home culture. In fact, there is ALOT of literature that suggests that missionaries should completely let go of their own culture and “become one of the natives”. But I don’t find this perspective in the Bible. In fact, I find something different.
I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.
1 Corinthians 9:22
In this verse, Paul describes his lived-out philosophy of missions – adapting to the culture around him to reach the people in it. Yet at the same time in Acts 16:37-38 and Acts 22:25-28 Paul claims Roman citizenship to the authorities. It’s clear from these passages that Paul neither flaunted nor buried the fact that he was a Roman. He maintained his identity and relied on it when useful, all while adapting so well to the people around him that many of them (evidently from these passages) did not realize he was of Roman heritage.
Paul never forgot who he was or pretended to be someone else. He adapted to other peoples while maintaining his identity. The truth is, no matter how a foreign missionary tries to integrate into the culture (and they should try – hard!) – even though they make great strides, they will always be a foreigner, an outsider, in some ways. To ignore this fact is to ignore reality. Missionaries make a mistake in assuming that they have the ability to completely metamorphose into another people group. They don’t. In the end, it creates silliness at best and confusion at worst.
Choose to Live Sacrificially
Things are not going to go as you want them to in a new culture. Things will not work the way you think they should. People will not respond to you in ways you think are “normal”. These situations are especially true for missionaries serving inter-continentally. If a missionary is moving from one Southeast Asian country to another to serve cross-culturally, there will still be differences in culture. The same is true for a European moving to another European country. Or an African moving to another African country. But the differences will be more pronounced for a European moving to an African country, or an American moving to an Asian country, or an Asian moving to an African country. If that’s you, the sacrifices will be even more apparent.
If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.
Luke 9:23
All of the cross-cultural difficulties and frustrations should be seen, rightly, as a sacrifice for the Lord. Jesus said that if we do not take up our cross daily we are not worthy to follow Him. For missionaries, this means experiencing daily things that you don’t agree with, you don’t like, and you don’t want to happen. By remembering that you are called to sacrifice your own desires every day – for the good of others – your perspective and subsequently your attitude will change.
In short, there will be cultural pieces that you will never adapt to, adjust to, or be able to accept as normal – choose to have a good attitude anyway and focus on the fact that this stress point is evidence that you are in the place God has asked you to be. A place of sacrifice. A place of service.
Choose to Rest
Culture shock is real. To pretend everything is normal around you when it isn’t leads to frustration, denial, and rejection. Life in a foreign country is hard, there’s no way around it. If you have moved from a “first world” situation to a “third world” situation, even more so. Things don’t work as they should. Tasks take more time and effort. Ministry is tiring in unique ways.
With this in mind, as missionaries in cross-cultural service, on a primary level we must first be resting and abiding in the Lord daily. That’s the baseline and non-negotiable.
We must find rest in our families, our homes, and yes – even those people back in our home country. Technology makes it even easier to stay connected and find a send of home while you are far away.
Missionaries must be intentional about choosing to rest.
Are you an encouraging leader? If you’re not sure, compare yourself to Joshua in this passage from Joshua chapter 17. In this chapter the scenario goes something like this:
Step 1 – Joshua has led the people to great victories and given them land of their own – the promise of God.
Step 2 – The people complain that the land is not good enough for them:
14 Then the children of Joseph spoke to Joshua, saying, “Why have you given us only one lot and one share to inherit, since we are a great people, inasmuch as the Lord has blessed us until now?”
Step 3 – Joshua responds and tells the people that if they are so great, they should go and take the land they want from their enemies (feel the sarcasm):
15 So Joshua answered them, “If you are a great people, then go up to the forest country and clear a place for yourself there in the land of the Perizzites and the giants, since the mountains of Ephraim are too confined for you.”
Step 4 – The people respond to this and say “well wait a minute – those guys are strong, we can’t handle it on our own! I mean, that’s not what we meant Joshua! Come on, man!”:
16 But the children of Joseph said, “The mountain country is not enough for us; and all the Canaanites who dwell in the land of the valley have chariots of iron, both those who are of Beth Shean and its towns and those who are of the Valley of Jezreel.”
Now – stop. What would your “Step 5” be?
I know what most of us would initially be thinking, myself included – “you guys had better figure it out, because I’m not helping you. I already did my part and you guys are ungrateful.”
But Joshua doesn’t do that. Instead, he encourages them:
17 And Joshua spoke to the house of Joseph—to Ephraim and Manasseh—saying, “You are a great people and have great power; you shall not have only one [f]lot, 18 but the mountain country shall be yours. Although it is wooded, you shall cut it down, and its farthest extent shall be yours; for you shall drive out the Canaanites, though they have iron chariots and are strong.”
A leader strengthens the faith of his followers by exhibiting his own.
Joshua exemplified this. He was not personally offended by their complaining. Instead, he saw it as an opportunity.
If someone that is following you has a poor outlook or weak faith, don’t give up on them. View it as a discipleship opportunity to challenge them and help them grow.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Philippians 4:8
Optimists look toward the future and see wonderful possibilities.
Because of this outlook, they are perfectly situated to determine what needs to happen now to arrive at that future state.
On the other hand, a person who is pessimistic cannot see a better future. And they cannot see any point or reason to try anything new right now – because they have no vision where those actions would lead.
In reality, any leader who gets anything done has some measure of optimism.
Maximize your optimism to maximize your leadership.
This is the second post on balance, the first being on the balance of hearing and doing. On the topic of finding a balance of grace and truth in our lives, the Bible says this:
Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart, And so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Proverbs 3:3
In other words, grace and truth should be with you always. Like a necklace that you would wear. They should be – figuratively of course – written on your heart. They should be a part of who you are – apart of your character. Both of them. Not one or the other. Both. At the same time. Balanced. Interwoven. Apart of each other. Inseparable.
If you do this, you will have favor and a good reputation with God and also other people. In other words, this is a great way to live!
The problem is when we choose one or the other; when we make it an either/or decision.
Sometimes we choose one over the other in a moment. Think about the last time you had an argument – or a fight! – with a family member. It was probably full of truth, but not much grace! Or think about the last time you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, so you really did not give them the whole truth of what you thought and were just – well – kind.
Sometimes we deceive ourselves in choosing one over the other permanently. I have heard people say “well I just speak my mind”, or “I just don’t have any mercy”, or “I just don’t want to be too hard and unkind”. What they are telling themselves is that they are simply not capable – their DNA does not allow them – to have both grace and truth in their lives. And they are right! We cannot do this on our own.
But if Christ’s Spirit lives in us and empowers us and guides us then we absolutely can live this way.
When we act and live one without the other, we are out of balance. And it has consequences.
When you act truthfully without grace, that is called self-righteousness. You are not giving any grace; you are giving what truth alone would rightfully give them. You are assuming that you are always right, and no one deserves any forgiveness. If God dealt with us this way, none of us would survive one more second.
On the other hand, when you act graciously without truth, you are informing the world that you believe there are no boundaries, no reality, and we can live as we please. Many times, grace without truth leads to destruction of relationships and people. The parent who is not willing to give the child truth through correction, ends up creating an adult sized baby. The spouse who is not willing to share their true feelings about their unhealthy relationship, creates a chasm between them and their partner. And on and on.
The Bible says that Jesus is full of grace and truth [Jn 1:14].
This means that first of all, He is full of the grace of God that seeks the good of everyone – unbelievers included. This grace and love flows out of His entire being. AT THE SAME TIME – in order to bring about God’s gracious plan of redemption, Jesus proclaimed the Truth of God in word and deed with absolute accuracy and perfection. The death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ embodies both grace and truth for us – our sin debt is paid and we didn’t have to pay for it!
In “full of grace and truth” the and is significant!
God wants me to have this perfect balance of grace and truth in my life as well.
Christ in the House of Martha and Mary by Diego Velázquez (1618)
Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42
So here we have Martha the doer and Mary the hearer. The question is – is Jesus saying that one is right and one is wrong?
Did Jesus say that Martha was wrong for serving? No. Serving is not wrong, in fact Jesus teaches us to serve throughout Scripture.
It’s important to consider each word in Scripture when you study. Jesus said that Martha was “distracted with much serving” or in other words, “anxious with a lot of ministry”.
The idea is that she had too much to do. Why was it too much? Because she did not have time for the Lord.
He was teaching her (and us) that she was out of balance. Her priorities were not in order. She was not focused at all on Jesus and His teachings.
It is possible to be in ministry and serving the Lord, and be so busy that you do not have time for the Lord. That is when you are too busy! You are out of balance.
Have you ever been out of balance? I have!
Instead, we should strive to find the right balance – the balance of hearing and doing. It is not either/or. It is both/and. It is not choose one over the other. It is choose both!
Warren Wiersbe said that we should imitate Martha in our service and Mary in our worship.
Do not be a hearer only. But also, do not be a doer only. Both of these extremes are out of balance!
He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed. Proverbs 13:20
The company we keep is important. The friends we have influence us in one direction or the other. We must have discernment in our social relationships, a vital area of family vision.
Parents, for your children, You ARE their discernment while they are still young. That is your job as a parent.
Part of developing healthy social relationships is the development of social skill. These skills are so important as children become young adults and then become adults seeking employment. People with good social skills, who know how to wisely, correctly treat others and build relationships, go much farther and faster than adults who do not know how to interact well with others.
Studies from the Carnegie Institute of Technology revealed that 15% of success in a career is the skill/expertise/technical knowledge, while 85% is due to skill in relationships – personality and the ability to relate to and lead other people. (Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People)
A family with vision will work to build wise, healthy relationships and the skills that go along with them.
As part of inventing the future of your family, have a vision for your social health! Do not just think about what is now – think about what could be in the future! Work to cultivate wise, healthy relationships with those around you.
